


Rules for Sherlock

by Foxfire124



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: First story here, Gen, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 07:41:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6186262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foxfire124/pseuds/Foxfire124
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The rules for world's only consulting detective</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules for Sherlock

**Author's Note:**

> Tiiiiiiny bit of bad language

**Rules For Sherlock**

 

This is guidance for how to deal with world’s only consulting detective.

 

**1.** ~~Do not insult Mrs. Hudson in front of him~~ … 

   Actually don’t insult, affront or harm Mrs Hudson in any ways even if he isn’t around: He WILL find out and he WILL. HUNT. YOU. DOWN.

 

 **2.** He is barred from the London Zoo. Yes, he knows why. Do not ask.

 

**3.** ~~Do not let Sherlock have a gun.~~

     ~~Do not Sherlock have bow and arrows.~~

    Do not let Sherlock have anything that can be used as weapons

    ETA: Surprisingly, many mundane things can be used as a weapon.

 

 **4.** Do not eat or drink something he has made!

    You did, didn’t you? He will now consider you as his personal guinea pig.

 

 **5.** Bed sheets are not considered as proper clothing

 

 **6.** There’s a fire extinguisher in the kitchen under the sink.

    There’s a fire extinguisher in the loo next to the cubboard.

    There’s a fire extinguisher in my room.

    There’s a fire extinguisher in the sitting room beneath the window.

    There’s a fire extinguisher in Mrs. Hudson’s living room.

    ETA: He is not allowed to experiment on the fire extinguisher.

 

 **7.** If Mycroft’s in, Sherlock is out.

    Or busy.

    Or dead.

 

 **8.** Do not anger him – he will deduce your darkest secrets in front of a crowd.

 

 **9.** Do not annoy him – he will most likely pickpocket you.

 

 **10.** Do not let him have your car keys – voluntary or non-voluntary.

      He is a good driver but easily distracted.

      ETA: Means, it is really fascinating he can deduce that the bus driver is cheating on his wife because of his tie but you should prefer him keeping his eyes on the street.

 

 **11.** He hates the hat.

 

 **12.** He is allergic to ragweed. If the pollen count is high, try to convince him to take antihistamines.

      ETA: He hates antihistamines.

      ETA: Do not to try to slip him antihistamines. He WILL know. 

 

 **13.** He is also allergic to wasp venom and needs to keep and epipen near.

 

 **14.** He does not keep an epipen near. He takes it apart. There’s an epipen in my left nightstand, one in the bathroom cabinet, one in the kitchen in the left cupboard and one in

      Lestrade’s car. Do not forget this!

 

 **15.** He considers breathing to be boring. PLEASE keep an eye on him he does not stop doing it because of boredom.

 

 **16.** During a case he will not eat. Nor sleep. Not drink sometimes. If the case is solved see if you get food and fluids in him as soon as possible.

 

 **17.** If he has gone on no sleep for some days he will most likely crash after solving the case.

      Which is okay at Baker Street or a cab but not in the morgue.

      ETA: Nor the vegetable section of Tesco.

 

 **18.** In case of a concussion check: Do not ask about the year, the prime minister, the date or his birthday – he does not know. Ask questions about the periodic system.

 

 **19.** The number for the National Poison Information Centre is on the fridge. Just in case.

 

 **20.** He will always tell you he is fine though he is bleeding like hell or burning hot as hell.

 

 **21.** Do not let him stitch himself up. That is what doctors are for!

 

 **22.** If you have to stay overnight – take ear-plugs with you. Yes, he can read the clock but he ignores it. Also, it does not work because he had experimented on it.

 

 **23.** Do not move any of the experiments on the kitchen table – you might accidentally poison yourself. Also, Sherlock will pout forever about a failed experiment.

 

 **24.** ~~Do not let Sherlock talk to widows.~~

      ~~Do not let Sherlock talk to children.~~

      Do not let Sherlock talk to people on his own.

 

 **25.** He is not allowed to experiment on my jumpers.

 

 **26.** He is not allowed to mess up my room.

      ETA: HE IS NOT ALLOWED IN MY ROOM AT ALL!

 

 **27.** Body parts are only allowed on the last shell in the fridge.

      ETA: NO HEADS!

 

 **28.** Dangerous chemicals are not allowed to be stored in the kitchen’s cupboard.

 

 **29.** Edible food is in the left cupboard over the sink. If you find food anywhere else – DO NOT EAT IT! See 4.

 

 **30.** There is never any milk in the fridge. I do not know why. Probably experiment-related…

 

 **31.** Do not be insulted if he does not know your birthday. He does not know his own. Same goes for your first name, your address or the number of your children. Anything he

      cannot deduce has been deleted.

 

 **32.** He does not deal well with crowds. So avoid packed crime scenes and the Tube.

 

 **33.** Try not to clean the mess in the sitting room. Firstly, Sherlock will pout about you disturbing his system and secondly it might be dangerous

     (Seriously, a spider bit me. He used it as a reading sign)

 

 **34.** Vatican cameos. Drop first, ask questions later.

 

 **35.** He does not call – he texts. Be alarmed if there is the tiniest fault in a text.

 

 **36.** The nicotine patches are in the right cupboard behind the Rover Biscuits (he hates those).

      He is allowed to have one at a time. Not two, not three and for sure not four. O.N.E.

      ETA: Do not let him hoard the nicotine patches.

 

 **37.** He is not allowed to smoke in the flat. Hell, do not let him smoke at all, I’m trying to break him from this habit.

 

 **38.** He is not allowed to give himself, you, Mrs Hudson, the neighbours our Mrs Turner’s dog drugs…

      He is not allowed to give anything living drugs.

      Not even Panadol.

      ETA: Okay, plants maybe.

      ETA: Not Mrs Hudson’s, though.

 

 **39.** The violin is not a medieval torture device but he can make you feel like it is.

      He is, in fact an amazing violin player but only when he is in a good or melancholically mood. Bring ear-plugs.

 

 **40.** He keeps on talking even if you are not there – so do not wonder he did not tell you something before. He did. You just were not around to hear it.

 

 **41.** If he is being friendly to you he either wants something from you (probably for a case or an experiment) or he is sick.

 

 **42.** He can buy groceries.

      He will not buy groceries.

      If he ever decides to buy groceries – DO NOT LET HIM DO IT ON HIS OWN. He knows why.

 

 **43.** He does not know a thing about personal space.

 

 **44.** He does not understand the difference between his and yours. Hide your toiletries well – especially your toothbrush.

      I DO NOT EXAGGERATE. HIDE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!

 

 **45.** He can speak German. And French. And he knows how to insult you in at least 15 other different languages.

 

 **46.** Locking your room is no use – he is quite handy at lock picking.

 

 **47.** He is a notorious light-weight – so do not give him too much alcohol. He gets hilarious but the aftermath is horrible.

      And dangerous for everybody in a surrounding of 5 miles.

 

 **48.** Based in that, do not draw on his face or take funny videos of him being intoxicated-

      HE WILL FIND OUT AND YOU WILL PAY SEVERLY.

 

 **49.** He seems to be unable to grasp the concept of money – he willingly hands it over to you but he always expects you to pay cabs or groceries.

 

 **50.** If you watch the telly with him, choose films or programmes you have watched before.

      He will tell you the denouement long before the ending. He also likes to shout at the telly.

 

 **51.** Do not let him watch crappy day time TV.

 

 **52.** He hates Doctor Who.

      And James Bond.

      And Star Trek.

 

 **53.** He sings in the shower. He actually has a good voice but his shower singing is atrocious. Hence the earplugs. See 21 and 37.

 

 **54.** If he is lying of the couch and his hands/head/body are/is twitching he is neither having a seizure nor on drugs. He is most likely in his Mind Palace, thinking.

      ETA: It is a memory technique.

      ETA: Yes, of course, it a f***ing palace, have you met the man???

 

 **55.** Everything not concerning ‘The Work’ will be deleted from his memory. Including common knowledge.

 

 **56.** Sherlock is a surprisingly good shooter but his gun handling skills are questionable.

 

 **57.** Do not let him get bored.

      THIS IS IMPORTANT! Give him Sudokus, cross words, cold cases, anything, do NOT let him get bored.

      The flat and our my stuff can only cope with so much destruction. Also see 14.

 

 **58.** Do not steal or hide Billy. He will pout forever.

      ETA: Billy is the skull on the fireplace.

 

 **59.** Do not solve his Rubric Cube. Even if you know how. He will hate you forever for being cleverer than him (in case you do not believe this – ask Anderson).

 

 **60.** Do not play Cluedo with him.

      ETA: Or Monopoly.

      ETA: Or Poker.

      ETA: Or Chess.

      No, you do not want to know.

 

 **61.** Do not insult his website. 240 types of tobacco ash can be very important.

      His lips will do this tiny quiver as if he is about to cry and then an epic pout tantrum will follow.

 

 **62.** If he is eating then he is most likely eating whatever you made/bought/brought for you.

 

 **63.** If you want to password protect something choose random letters and numbers. Do NOT use names or birthdays – he can deduce password from people he has just met.

 

 **64.** I would like you to keep this list secret from him but I’m quite sure he has already deduced my doing by…

      I don't know maybe the tick of my eyelid or the frequence of my typing.

 

 

_Actually, you kept giving me a strange lopsided smile while you were typing this. I deduced whatever you were writing was about me. But you did not type in your ‘blogging style’. Also, you should pay attention to your own rules, John. ‘Sherlockisanidiot’ is not a very difficult password. Not very flattering, too. So I changed your password. I might tell you if you apologized. And there are 243 types of tobacco ash on my website, please keep notice of that. SH_

 

John put the piece of paper down, staring disbelieving at it, then at his laptop.

 

“ **SHERLOCK**!”

**Author's Note:**

> First story here! I'm not a native speaker, but I hope you liked it
> 
> Still have a few problems with the formatting....


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